The #1 Thing You Can Do To Improve Your Transition to Motherhood
While we are pregnant, we are usually flooded with lists of what to buy for the arrival of our baby.
Traditional baby registries include dozens of so-called ‘must haves' that all parents need for themselves and for their baby, including the latest and greatest toys, nursery decoration, cute outfits, baby gear, supporting technology, endless courses on what to do and what not to do.
Nowadays, we seem to be better prepared than ever before. At least in theory.
And yet, the transition to motherhood has become harder the vast majority of mamas. Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) are on the rise, more and more parents feel overwhelmed and struggle with their new roles, responsibilities and identities.
Why is that? What is it then that we need to prepare for while we are pregnant? What’s the #1 thing that you can do (already in pregnancy) to make your transition to motherhood easier and feel more supported?
The importance of village building
If there’s one thing I recommend to expectant families, it’s to start building their village as early as during pregnancy.
Traditionally, new mothers were surrounded by their village. Grandparents, aunties, cousins and neighbours would all come together to support new mothers during the first weeks and months after childbirth. They’d bring food, share their wisdoms, listen, help out at home, tend to the baby, normalize the experience… the list goes on.
Let’s have a look at how other cultures seem to have a much better grip at caring for their new mothers than we do in our so-called ‘developed society’:
In Latin America, new mothers are nurtured and cared for during the cuarantena period - a timeframe of 40 days in which friends and family are there to support the new family.
In India and Japan, new mothers usually move back in with their parents for a few months after giving birth to be taken care of as they adapt to their new role.
Amongst Native American tribes, there are ample rituals and traditions to support the new mother in easing the tradition, such as toxin elimination rituals, baby naming ceremonies and gentle bathing.
In our world, things are a little different now…
The harsh reality of modern-day parenting
In our ‘modern’ world, where the pursuit of independence and individualization is at the core of our existence, we experience more and more isolation.
We often parent by ourselves. Lacking our village of support. Dealing with the emotional whirlwind of new motherhood by ourselves. We study and accumulate knowledge in preparation for giving birth more than ever before, yes, but we have less practical support for what comes after. Less guidance. Less community.
In a recently article called In the absence of ‘the village,’ mothers struggle most, this phenomenon was described very accurately:
“It takes a village, but there are no villages. By village I don't simply mean "a group of houses and associated buildings, larger than a hamlet and smaller than a town, situated in a rural area." I'm referring to the way of life inherent to relatively small, relatively contained multigenerational communities. Communities within which individuals know one another well, share the joys, burdens, and sorrows of everyday life, nurture one another in times of need, mind the well-being of each other's ever-roaming children and increasingly dependent elderly, and feel fed by their clearly essential contribution to the group that securely holds them.” (Beth Berry for Mother.ly)
How to build your village in pregnancy
As early as in pregnancy, it’s important to try to build your village of attachment. You’ll have more energy, time and headspace to do so than while in postpartum.
Although postpartum support is very individual and depends on each family, there are a few things that I recommend for soon-to-be mothers to make their transition to motherhood smoother:
1. Include your friends and family
Get close friends and family involved to take part in your journey as early as possible.
You could share ultrasound pictures and pregnancy updates with them and tell them how you feel in preparation for welcoming your baby.
Ask your best friends to set up a meal train for you, take care of grocery shopping for you and walk your baby while you take a nap.
By establishing or deepening your connections with your friends and family members, you are on the best way of creating your village of support for the postpartum period and beyond.
And, as a bonus, your postpartum village of support will likely become your village of attachment for your child and your family. Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a developmental psychologist specialized in attachment parenting, defines the infamous village of attachment as follows:
“A village of attachment is an invisible matrix in which children mature, developing a sense of rootedness, belonging, and connection. Children look up to and orient around adults in these communities, and many surrogate caregivers abound. Parents today are often separated from extended family and the nuclear family has never been so small. We are so accustomed to being isolated and without a village, that it feels commonplace to us; even though it feels ‘normal’ it certainly isn’t natural.” (Dr. Deborah MacNamara, The Neufeld Institute)
2. Leverage your local community
Regardless of where you live, chances are that there are at least some local ressources for new parents.
You could join local parent groups to exchange with others and share your journey. Facebook usually has dedicated parent group per city/ neighbourhood.
You can sign up for ‘baby & me’ classes to get together with other families and have some play time.
You could register for your local library, community center or support organization and discover their many offerings and workshops.
You could browse local stores (toy stores, baby gear stores, clothing stores, yoga studios) to see what type of activities are offered for new parents.
If you’re local to Montreal, I put together a list of my favourite local resources for expectant families and new parents.
3. Surround yourself with perinatal practitioners
Right after we give birth, we are usually not in the right state of mind (hello, hormones!) to research and schedule consultations with perinatal practitioners.
This can include postpartum doulas, pelvic floor physiotherapists, osteopaths, chiropractors, perinatal psychotherapists, massage therapists specialized in postnatal massages, somatic experiencing coaches, sleep consultants, certified lactation consultant to help with breastfeeding challenges etc.
Here’s what you can do in pregnancy to prepare for postpartum:
Think about what type of specialists may be helpful to easing your transition to parenthood. Struggling with mental health challenges? Connect with a perinatal psychotherapist. Dealing with body aches and pains? Book a session with an osteopath or chiropractor. Want extra support after baby gets here? Hire a postpartum doula for the fourth trimester.
Search for perinatal practitioners in your city/ neighbourhood to minimize travel time in early postpartum.
Ask your trusted mama friends if they have any recommendations for you.
If you hired a postpartum doula to support you through the fourth trimester, leverage her network! Postpartum doulas have great connections with local perinatal providers, and will be able to point you in the right direction as needed.
And no, you certainly don’t need to book endless hours of support just yet. However, having these resources handy can make a world of a difference in the first few weeks and months after giving birth.
4. Practice asking for help
One of the hardest things for new mothers is actually admitting that they need help. That contrary to popular belief, they cannot and aren’t supposed to ‘do it all’. That asking for help is actually a sign of strength, rather than an admission of weakness.
Practising asking for help even during pregnancy. Need a hand? Somebody to help you take care of something while you rest? Childcare for your oldest while you go see your doctor/ midwife for a follow up?
Really sit with the idea that nobody can do it all. That it’s ok to ask for help. That you deserve support, not because you’ve done something, but just because you are worthy of support.
Make it a regular practice to say “I feel … today. I need help with … .” Examples could be:
“I feel tired this morning. Could you take the baby for an hour while I catch up on sleep?”
“I am always so hungry breastfeeding at night. I need help from somebody preparing nourishing snacks.”
“I feel a lot of tension in my arms and shoulders. I need to schedule a postnatal massage.”
Acknowledging our feelings and voicing our needs is an incredible powerful way of improving our wellbeing, not just in postpartum.
In closing
Building your village of support is one of the most valuable things you can do while preparing for life with a baby. A village comes in many shapes and forms, but it always includes an element of community and support.
The more effort we can put towards building our village of support during pregnancy, the better our chances will be for having a smoother transition to parenthood.
➤➤ Need postpartum support?
Thinking about hiring a postpartum doula to support you during the fourth trimester? Get in touch with me to learn more about how I support families during the magical postpartum period and beyond.